31 How To Conquer Fear as a Stoic Woman 

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Welcome to the Female Stoic
podcast.

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My name is Stephanie Poppins and
I am an advocate for literary
                                         
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empowerment.
That means I believe the example

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set by the literary masters can
broaden life perspective, create

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increased self-awareness, and
empower us to overcome the

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obstacles we encounter here in
the 21st century.

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By listening and referring what
we hear to Stoic philosophy, we

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can foster a strong sense of
self and navigate the world more

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effectively.
This podcast takes the form of

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both discussions and
meditations, and if you like

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what you hear, you might
consider looking me up on my

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socials where I post empowering
videos every day.

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Or you may like my classic
audiobooks and original stories

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available on my website,
newworldbooks.uk.

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Happy listening.
And welcome to another episode

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of the Female Stoic podcast.
And today's episode is entitled

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How do we Conquer fear as a
Stoic Woman?

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And we will be featuring and I
will be referring to my latest

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audio drama, Mystery at
Meadowbank Cottage, which is

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serialized on Insight Timer
meditation app and obviously, of

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course, making reference to the
Stoic Masters.

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So let us begin.
I received a message from Lisa

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in Leeds asking me to discuss
how we manage our fears.

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As she says, it's very hard for
her to face up to the pain of

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the breakdown of her marriage
she's been running from for a

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while now.
Thank you, Lisa, for sending

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that to the podcast.
So as I said in today's episode,

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I will be referring to my
protagonist, Tuesday Saint

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Clair, who features in Mystery
at Meadowbank Cottage, my latest

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audio drama.
You can hear that on Insight

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Timer.
And check out my other original

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audiobooks anywhere you listen
to audiobooks.

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So the question of the day.
What would your life look like

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if fear no longer had a voice?
If you didn't have anything to

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manage to tame, to negotiate
with?

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Imagine waking up every day
without hesitation, or second

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guessing yourself without an
internal voice telling you

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you're not good enough.
What decisions would you make?

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What doors would you kick open
and what dreams would you chase?

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Seneca said.
Our fears are more numerous than

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our dangers, and I have come to
understand this to be true,

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Although I must note fears have
also kept me as a woman safe.

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So I'm asking you to be mindful
of how to manage fear and

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compartmentalise it so it's
maintained in its rightful place

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without overpowering you, rather
than negating its value

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altogether.
Let us consider my character,

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Tuesday Sinclair.
If you haven't been listening to

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my latest audio drama on Insight
Timer, Tuesday is in her early

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30s and at a crossroads.
She lives in the city with

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Robert Chaif, who she has now
outgrown for many different

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reasons.
But ever since she lost her

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parents, she's been suffering
with a lack of confidence and

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has been putting off leaving
him.

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Quote.
She knew if she was to return to

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anything more than a shadow of
her former self, she must do

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something different.
And after the conversation she'd

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had the day before, that meant
leaving everything behind.

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The apartment, the expensive
lifestyle and the living Leech.

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So Tuesday realises she has to
change something.

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She's scared though, because she
associates change with something

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bad.
The loss of her parents.

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She's holding onto this
relationship because she's not

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ready to face another loss.
But he in steps her brother

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Justin, who I might add, has
problems of his own, and he

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proposes an end to her running
away from her problems and a

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revisit of unfinished business,
not least of all Jonathan Green,

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the man who shunned her many
years before.

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So Tuesday, Sinclair agrees to
his business proposal and takes

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the leap, regardless of her
fear.

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And that's what this is all
about today, facing our fears.

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We've all been there, at that
place where we have to make a

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decision and live with it in
order to honour our higher self.

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But it's a scary thing to do now
with Stoics.

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In practice we understand that
fear is something to manage, so

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it doesn't control us.
And using this example of

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Tuesday, we have to decide to
take the leap and try something

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new, even if materially we might
have it all sorted.

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Because it's time for us to
realise that life is short and

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we must act in order to honour
that opportunity that we have

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ahead of us.
And of course it's important as

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Stoics that we note when we give
more power to fear and let it

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control us, which fear is of
course an external force, we are

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voluntarily allowing the
destruction of our inner

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citadel, the walls, to to
crumble.

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So when I refer to the Inner
Citadel, I'm talking about the

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dichotomy of control, which we
have covered in every episode

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preceding this one.
The Stoic dichotomy of control

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introduced by epicteters is the
practising of distinguishing

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between what we can control, our
own thoughts, actions and

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judgements, and what we cannot,
which are external events,

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outcomes and other people's
opinions.

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By focusing our energy only on
the internal factors and

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accepting externals with
equanimity, we can achieve our

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Peace of Mind and we can reduce
our anxiety.

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But of course it's a daily
disciplined practice and that is

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why we journal and that is why
we tap in with our higher self.

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We aim to do that as practising
Stoics every day.

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And if you are unsure of how to
journal or need a guide as to

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the discipline of journalling,
check out my 5 day working week

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journaling course on Insight
Timer.

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So what we can control, that we
protect in our inner citadel,

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our voluntary actions, our
thoughts, beliefs, values,

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judgements and desires, how we
react to external forces, and of

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course, what we hold precious,
our values and our virtue and

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everything outside of that we
cannot control.

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We can't control the past or the
future.

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We can't control other people's
opinions of us or their actions.

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We can't control our reputation
according to other people.

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So the goal here, when we
practice the protection of our

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virtue, when we build our inner
citadel walls high, the goal is

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to focus all of our effort on
our personal virtue and response

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while treating external forces
with detachment, or as we say,

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indifference.
And this in turn reduces

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frustration, anger and anxiety
because we are letting go of

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futile efforts.
We understand that no matter how

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much energy we put into the
chaos around us, we are unable

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to control the uncontrollable.
So going back to the question,

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Lisa is scared.
She's at a crossroads.

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She's come to a point where her
marriage has now ended and she

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needs to take the next step.
So what are the fears that we

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have as humans?
What are the things that

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encourage us to experience
physically that fight or flight

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response?
As mentioned in episode 11 when

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we looked at Mrs. Bennett from
Pride and Prejudice, in modern

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psychology and Buddhism it is
widely accepted there are 5 main

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fears.
Quote Fear is a judgement that

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is not caused by external
events, but by our judgement

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that an event is bad or evil
when it's actually just and

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indifferent.
We must bear this in mind.

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So let's look at these five
fears as a fear of death.

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We can associate also this with
the fear of something.

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So every fear we have in modern
philosophy is said to be

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attached to one of our five
fears, fear of death, which we

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can associate with the end of
something.

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Of course, death to our ego is
pretty inconceivable, because

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how can we understand that in
which we have no way to

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experience and live to tell the
tale?

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But the end of things is a
similar fear.

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It's something we can all
experience, and we will.

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So we have the fear of death,
fear of illness, which we

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associate with lack of autonomy
related to the loss of the

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function of the machine which is
carrying us through life, a fear

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of losing our minds.
We can associate also with a

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lack of autonomy, a fear of loss
of livelihood which we can

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associate with a loss of purpose
and a fear of poverty and a fear

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of public speaking or
embarrassment in front of other

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people.
So these fears mobilize this

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full force of our nervous
system's threat response and

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they can paralyze our decision
making, they can drain our

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energy, and they can prevent us
from realizing our full

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potential.
And the reason I refer to these

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fears is I personally have found
it helps to identify which of

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these categories our personal
problem falls into.

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Which of these categories is
associated with the fear we are

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experiencing, which is related
to the problem we have.

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If we effectively attribute them
to reactivity and our

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irrationality, we can place them
firmly in the external forces

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category.
So we identify the fear and we

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say, hmm, I am scared because of
XY or Z.

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This is related to one of the
five fears.

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It's related to that fear, I
understand, therefore it's an

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external force.
So how am I going to navigate

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that?
One of my favourite Stoic

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principles is knowledge.
If we can begin to understand

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our fear, we have much more
chance of conquering it.

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And this is my advice to Lisa.
So using the example of Tuesday

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Saint Clair in Mystery at
Maybank Cottage, her fear is the

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end of something.
She's fearing the end of

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something, that thing which has
prolonged her safety net, her

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safe space, so that she doesn't
have to face the fear of loss of

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her parents.
And of course, that loss, albeit

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to a different degree, would be
repeated if she changes what

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she's doing and she moves on to
something else.

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But Tuesday finds a way to
manage this through facing it by

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journalling, which features in
the story, and immersing herself

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in nature when she embarks on a
new business with her brother.

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She also practices positive self
talk, which we can use too,

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quote Slipping her feet into a
pair of fluffy slippers, Tuesday

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shuffled to the bathroom.
Teeth first, then tough talk

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time.
She whispered to the mirror.

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What are your priorities girl?
Do you even know?

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Yes, get rid.
Her best friend yelled back.

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So to go back to Lisa's
question, how can she manage her

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fear?
Well, I advise the first step is

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to recognise and attribute her
fear to one of the five

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categories.
In this case, Lisa's fear is of

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being alone, navigating life
alone when she's always lived

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with someone.
This therefore is related to the

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fear of the end of something and
also the fear of embarrassment

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as she's now exposed to doing
things on her own and therefore

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personally accountable and
visible in a way she wasn't

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before.
So she's attributed now these

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feelings she's experiencing to
one of the fears.

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She's understanding that
actually they have a meaning,

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they have a space, and they need
to be kept within that space and

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not be taken out of context when
dealing with negative speak or

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that inner voice of fear.
When the thought comes up, her

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second step is to say out loud,
I already thought that.

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I thought that before.
I've said that already, to look

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in the mirror, listen to her
negative self speak those fears

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that she is repeating over and
over and challenge them.

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And then once she's done this,
remind herself I'm safe.

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This is not a threat.
I'm safe.

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This is keeping the walls of her
inner citadel high.

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She is practising positivity
over and over and over again as

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necessary.
It might be 1000 times a day,

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but it is necessary to get her
through this difficult patch

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when she wakes up in the morning
and yesterday's fear is replaced

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by another fear because that's
what the brain's hard wired to

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do.
This confirmation bias where

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it's seeking confirmation that
all's lost.

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She has to look at herself in
the mirror and say, is that the

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best you've got?
That's pathetic.

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I've heard that before.
You said that before.

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You are safe and there is no
threat.

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Because the truth is, fear is
not her enemy, it's surrender to

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the fear.
Fear is natural, but it only

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wins when we let it transform
our behaviour and we become

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reactive to it, irrational and
place it, give it more credence,

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a louder voice than it should
have.

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We are compartmentalising it.
We are creating a distance

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between our self and the fear.
The power is in the pause, as I

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say each week, Otherwise we will
lose our pragmatism and lose the

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ability to make reasoned
choices.

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Fear is an irrational response
to an external force.

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Lisa's predicament is an
external force.

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It's something that's happened
as a result of occurrences that

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are now beyond her control.
It happened as a result of

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interactions with others that
have not worked out in her

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favour.
These things happen regularly in

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relationships.
So now it's time for her to

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reframe how she views her new
situation.

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She is alone, but that gives her
autonomy, that affords her

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choices.
It creates a new beginning, a

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chance to live solely on her
terms.

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She is now coming to life from a
place of abundance, not a place

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of lack.
This is reframing.

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00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:58,120
This is understanding my
perception of my situation is

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00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:05,360
within my power of control,
external forces she has no

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00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:12,680
control over.
So her healing lies in her

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00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:17,560
ability to accept change
pragmatically with design and

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00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,640
management of the days and years
ahead, saving the knowledge she

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00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,800
is now the one in the driving
seat.

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00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,920
She is responsible for her
reactions and the maintenance of

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00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:31,760
her inner peace.
She's let fear convince her

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00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:38,320
stillness is survival.
She's kept still because she's

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00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,640
let fear convince herself that
that is the way she's going to

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00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,960
be safe.
But when she looks at fear in a

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00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,680
stoic way, she can expose it for
what it really is.

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00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,080
It's a lie that's pretending to
be real.

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00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,040
In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius
said.

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00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:03,080
If you are pained by external
things, it is not they that

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00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,840
disturb you, but your own
judgement of them, and it is in

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00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,600
your power to wipe out that
judgement.

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00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:15,920
Now from today, if she chooses,
she can face the truth with

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00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,520
discipline, practice and
understanding.

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As Stoics, we understand that
fear is built into our biology

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00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:29,480
to protect us, and in many ways
it's kept us alive.

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00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,480
But what fear was never meant to
do was lead us.

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00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,200
It was never meant to be our
guide, our decision maker.

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00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:42,040
And with Stoic practice, we can
avoid letting it do that.

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00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:48,240
If we allow fear to take the
wheel and steer, we will only go

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00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:53,560
round in circles when we're
about to do something unfamiliar

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00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,960
that threatens our comfort or
control.

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00:21:56,560 --> 00:22:01,800
We understand the stoics.
This is our brain doing what

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00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:06,800
it's been wired to do.
The fear is a natural reaction,

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00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,920
but if we let it manifest into
something that drives our

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00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:15,520
reactivity, if we let it into
our inner citadel, we then

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00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,640
understand it isn't the fear
protect preventing us from

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00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,840
moving on, it's actually
ourselves.

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00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:27,800
If we wait till we feel ready,
we will be waiting our whole

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00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,280
life.
So we therefore choose to accept

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00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:36,800
change as an inevitable part of
life and work with it.

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00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:42,280
And this leads nicely onto our
journal task for the day.

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00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:47,440
As you know, each week we have a
journal task, and today I invite

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00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:51,520
you to write down a dilemma you
are facing today.

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00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,480
Then, underneath, divide the
page into two columns.

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00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:02,800
In the left column, write down
the fear you associate with the

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00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,080
dilemma and your perceived
reaction to it.

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00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:13,960
If you were to let fear dictate,
so you're writing down a dilemma

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00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:18,760
you're facing today.
On the left column, you write

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00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:23,040
down the fear you associate with
it and your perceived reaction

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00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,600
to it.
If you were to let fear dictate,

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00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:31,960
then in the right column you're
going to write down how best you

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00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:38,840
could deal with it, noting that
the power is in the pause.

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00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:47,120
Next week we will be looking at
Stoic Acceptance with Charlotte

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00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:51,400
Bronte and Violette, her novel
featuring Lucy Snow.

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00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:56,840
And don't forget to check out my
new audio drama Mystery at

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00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:01,480
Maybank Cottage.
All my other original dramas and

290
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,600
classic audiobooks available
wherever you listen to

291
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:09,000
audiobooks.
Thank you for listening and I'll

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00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,640
see you next time.
Bye.

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00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:20,600
Hey Stephanie here.
Thank you for listening to the

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00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:25,360
Female Stoic podcast.
It is an honour and I just want

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00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,920
to say I really appreciate you
being here.

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00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:32,480
It's amazing the power of women
in literature and the stoic

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00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:38,240
messages they have to share.
Please, if you can, return the

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00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:42,840
favour by spreading their words
and sharing this podcast far and

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00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:46,160
wide so more of us can benefit
from their wisdom.

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00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,720
And don't forget to leave a
review if you like what you've

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00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,800
heard.
See you next time.

 

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